Quote – “Spotlight”

“Being sick, being ill, being in pain; they have a certain spotlight on themselves. They put a spotlight on the person or people you know, especially when it comes to friends, family, and coworkers. You have empathy for them; you feel bad that they are going through what they are. You go out of your way to make sure they’re alright and check on them the following days.

But then something strange happens. When something happens with you, no one seems to notice, or worse, seems to care. Even that person you did your due diligence to care after seems preoccupied with trivial things. Are you suddenly not important, or were you never? Would it then just be better to lie and say everything is fine when you’re really not? Should you stop worrying over someone who becomes ill around you or has a reoccurrence of something they’ve always had?

I want to say ‘yes, put the spotlight back on them. What I don’t know though, is if it’s because it’s the nice thing to do or because when you fall more ill, they’ll feel terrible for not paying you more attention.”

I love my sister, I really do… but sometimes I wished she would take better care of herself. Well, I wish that all the time, but not always for her own benefit. When I’m in a lot of pain, like I am right now, there always seems to be something wrong with her. Can I not, for once, be the one who can be taken care of?

Thank goodness I have a boyfriend (Simon) who actually give a damn. Otherwise, I would be going through this on my own… yet again.


[Poem][The End]


Why sit and wait for the end to come?

Why not welcome it with open arms?

After a life lived so many years,

Why not go with some peace?

Is it so bad to close your eyes,

One last time around family?

Is that so bad?

To speak no more,

To watch no more,

To spend no more time a life,

That has been going for so long.

Can’t we close our eyes,

And breath no more?

To hold the hands of grandchildren,

Grown and on their own,

Is it not enough?

Is there more than that to wait for?

When does living stop being about others,

And become about yourself?

When does it become about others again?

Does it?

Does it matter what that family thinks?

Can they understand why it needs to end?

I think they do.

I think all my babies know.

[Winter Power Outage: What Do You Do All Day?]


It has become the new age question: so many things to do, where do I begin? Video games, forums, browser games, PC games, Gameboy DS/3DS, PSP, cell phone apps, online newspapers, online magazines, your Kobo/Kindle/tablet; the list goes on. But, they all require a source of electricity. So what happens when the batteries run out?

We turn to the archaic: paper books, pen and paper, we physically leave the home to talk to friends and family, we play board games, we spend time with each other. These are things many of us did when we were growing up. I’m a 90s child, so growing up more electronics were being developed and becoming cheaper. It was easier to get our hands on them, and for some people, became babysitters for parents. My parents though, never replied on them because, growing up themselves, they didn’t have any of these devices.

Personally, I have an entire bookshelf that can be read through, and enough paper and pens to paper Mache myself a house. I would be perfectly alright. I don’t live on my computer; I don’t solely rely on things that need to be plugged in in order to entertain myself. But eventually, I do need to turn my laptop back on, I do need to spend a few hours catching up with people I can’t see in person, and check in with blogs I follow and my own blog.

It is just the world we live in now where to move forward in our lives, we need to be connected. But, now and then though, it’s nice to power down and go back to basics.

[Rozalia Olah, Rest In Peace][The Passing of my Grandmother]


In the evening on Wednesday the 18th of February, my Grandmother, my mother’s mother, passed away in her nursing home. She was the beloved wife of the late Michey Olah, and proud mother of Rozalia Balon and Elizabeth Olah-Stojanovski. She loved each of her grandchildren, Michael, Caitlin, Michelle, myself and Kevin to no end. And was never afraid to shake a wooden spoon at us when we were misbehaving.

My mother has endless stories about growing up with my grandmother, in Australia and Canada, and is always more than happy to share them with my and my siblings. Perhaps it is because they’re Hungarian, they had their own way of seeing eye-to-eye. And as we, her grandchildren, became older, we experienced it too, and enjoyed every minute of it.

I still can’t believe she’s gone. We had all visited her on the Tuesday, some saying goodbye, just in case, and the rest saying we’ll see her tomorrow. We sat and we waited for what we knew was coming but hoping wouldn’t. We silently hoped that she would change her mind and eat again. That having everyone around her would renew her reason to live. My grandmother had a massive stroke about 3 years ago. She could not speak or walk, but made strides in being able to use her left arm to feed herself, brush her hair, and developed her own way of communicating with us and her nurses. She did however, hate it there. It’s not that she wasn’t taken care of or treated badly, she just didn’t like being there around other ailing people and people she didn’t know. She stopped trying to speak, never tried walking, and some days would flat out refuse to leave her bed. We couldn’t convince her to keep trying so we could take her out of there.

I’m sitting here struggling to write anything, as I have since Thursday, because I don’t know what to say. I’ve never had anyone this close to me pass away and I don’t know what to do with myself. I miss her so much and there isn’t anything I can do anymore. I know a lot of those who follow my blog have mentioned their own losses either through their own blogs or when we have spoken. How do you handle it? I don’t know how to stop crying every time I think of her.