[Writer’s Pen]


Writer’s Pen

I’m not sure what got me started, but I’m pretty sure I will never remember. I’m not sure what made me pick  up my pencil and made me write something I didn’t have to for school or for my parents, or for anything that needed to be written down. Can I explain it as an overactive imagination? Considering I was about 10 when I began writing, it’s quite plausible.

I remember a scene from that wonderful TV series that was cancelled before it could really begin, Almost Human, where two of the main characters share a very cute scene where John uses a pen to write Valerie something on a piece of paper. Doesn’t sounds like anything usually cute or memorable… but this show is based in the “not-so-distant” future, where nearly everything is digital and on tablets and computers. Pens and pencils were obsolete. It was amazing to think of such a state of the world.

It would be pretty amazing to see though. That is the one thing I dislike about my personal writing process: I prefer to write on paper first, then type it up. Killing trees is not on my agenda, but that is how I write. It has always been that way for me, and I don’t see that changing any time soon. I love the feel of a pen in my hand. It feels right than just tapping some keys and watching words appear before my eyes. Too clinical for my tastes, I think at least.

But, I digress. The way I write influences what I write and how I write. It was pens and paper that got me started write in the first place. Why on earth would I take away what got me started?


[Playing Adult]


Playing Adult

“I believe that everyone else my age is an adult whereas I am merely in disguise.”
― Margaret Atwood

Acting ones age these days isn’t as simple as it sounds anymore. Every year youth’s inch closer to adulthood, they are given more responsibility and more opportunity to shape what sort of adult they will become. Though who they are, their interests and hobbies, and their career plans may be constantly changing, they will eventually settle into a lifestyle. The problem, some would say, is that it isn’t the right lifestyle for their age, or gender for that matter. What is the right lifestyle at any age anymore?

We have 20 year olds dressing like they are 40 in order to look beyond their years so they can be taken seriously. Then, we have some 40+ year olds dressing as though they’re still in their younger years. On the other hand, we have the opposite of both as well: 20 year olds looking like they’re 12 and 40+s dressing as though they already live in a nursing home. Which is supposed to be considered proper anymore?

Usually, people dress the way they would be most comfortable doing whatever it is they love. Often that means a certain range of clothing would be found in their closet, and there isn’t anything wrong with that. You may have a 61 year old babysitting children who are 10, so dress comfortably, and more importantly, in a way to keep up! Other 61 year olds may only garden, or read, or still go motor biking with their adult children and grandchildren. What I would wear on a motor bike I probably wouldn’t wear while gardening, or babysitting for that matter.

I hear often as well, ‘oh you’re too old for that now.’ I call bull on a lot of activities and everyday clothing that is completely interchangeable no matter what your age is. So I say dress to suit how you feel, what you do, and in what makes you feel the most comfortable for yourself. Meaning: dress for you. It’s an idea that floats around mothers when talking to their daughters about self-image and respecting your body, but never really associated with everyone else. Dress to respect yourself. It isn’t a difficult concept. People just need to stop complaining about things beyond their control.

Act the age you feel. Dress for what you do.

Everyone relax a bit already.

[Crossroads][Should I…]


Reaching a crossroads is never really easy to resolve. Not knowing if you are actually at a crossroads is far worse, I find. I am right there at this moment. I have completed the Creative Writing Program through Humber College and am still unsure as to where to run to next. I know many of you will think I am too young to have my whole life figured out, but I would at least like to have an idea of what to work towards.

I am so confused and frustrated it brings me to tears sometimes. What am I supposed to do with myself? My spare time goes towards my writing but that could take ages to complete. So, what else do I do that I can achieve short term? I have thought of something I find interesting to do (bookkeeping) but my father doesn’t approve of course.

You’re probably thinking, why do you need his approval if you’re an adult? Good question, excellent question really. It’s not really about that money on education; I have a great credit score and a line of credit that would hold all my expenses until I finish the necessary courses to begin working. So, what’s the problem?

I wish he had a bit of faith in me, to trust I know what I’m trying to do. But, true to form, my father wants me to become a fully qualified accountant… It’s an excellent career path for sure, but would I be any good at it? Crossroads: I’m not liking it at all.

[Feeling Impatient…Crisis of Writing Faith?]


I’m feeling impatient with myself.

It’s not really a new feeling towards myself, but it’s definitely something I wish I didn’t feel… Or at least not feel it so intensely.

I have lists, some written down and some floating around in my head, that literally keep my awake at night. They also keep me from having a restful night’s sleep, which makes things worse…

I have so many ideas I want to get down on paper and on my laptop, but I feel limited when I sit down to do so. I wouldn’t definite it as writer’s block because I’ve experienced that before, and this isn’t it.

I feel as though I’m crumbling in on myself when it comes to my writing. I don’t want to describe it as dark and due to potential depression or anxiety but… it’s striking fear of failure.

I guess all I can do is try to find some sort of confidence in myself and trust I know even an inkling of what I’m attempting to accomplish.

I hate trying to be optimistic for myself. I was to be optimistic when it comes to me but it’s extremely tiring. I don’t feel fake saying it to my friends and family who I know, I KNOW, can be so amazing, because I do believe it… I just have difficulties saying it to myself and believing it.

And yes, Fact #125 is something I have been doing for years…

[Poem][Ever So Wrong]


Ever So Wrong

I don’t think I have ever been so wrong,

About someone who has become so important to me.

He saw me for everything that I am,

And I saw all of him and accepted it.

From that first sit-down, that first coffee,

When I laid everything out to you so you could see me.

It felt so right and so easy and so effortless,

I felt it was meant to be something special that two people could share.

Maybe it’s not love, that it’s never meant to go that way,

But how can Fate decide if a chance isn’t given?

Everything that’s happened, I don’t think I could ever have been so wrong,

About someone who is…

Who was so important to me.